| Something Beautiful and Something Free |
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| 12:04am 11/07/2007 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: Ain Soph
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So...how ya doing? long time, eh? why does it seem like all of my entries lately start like this?
So, lana and I have moved into a wonderful place in Seattle, in the Capitol Hill area. Well, mostly wonderful. There's some structural damage in one room of our 2 bedroom apartment, the room we are planning to use as a den, practice space, study room, studio. A wall with some internal damage, some damage to the floor due to water (and thus mold...it's a daylight basement). We're slowly getting the landlord to come around and fix it up, but it's been a pain in the ass.
On the bright side, we DO have a beautiful apartment. It was previously occupied by the guitarist for Built to Spill/Caustic Resin and his girlfriend, and the paint job they did on it is brilliant. It's the most unique place I have ever lived in, and it's doing us pretty well, all things considered. lana's a bit bummed about no longer being in portland, and I'm trying to be the good boyfriend, although that is hard to take-Seattle is my city, and I have friends here and things to do, especially since we'll be here for a while. To say the least, this has been the hardest time in our relationship thus far, but it is really going rediculously well, and we haven't wanted to kill each other more than a few times (which still hasn't turned into any sort of conflict...the understanding and companionship between us is astounding).
So, now I'm job hunting. I had a really good interview today for a job I really want, and I'm pretty sure I've got it. Close to home, a small company, good money, etc. My real goal is getting back to school. I miss it. When I was in college the last couple of years, I was in such a bad spot that I couldn't do it seriously-really, getting out of bed was a giant chore, given my emotional state. Now, I feel tuned in and turned on.
I just finished a book by Robert Anton Wilson, "Right Where You Are Sitting Now," and it was phenominal. I've been reading a lot in the last few months (in a way, portland was a chance to take a vacation and figure myself out, which is wonderful and ultimately beneficial), and given the books I have been reading, I think I read this at the right time. Truth be told, at this moment in time, and there has been a lot leading up to this, I feel reborn. To be more descriptive, I feel I was born into negativity and limited chances based on a limited world view. For some, this is ideal in some ways, because it gives them parameters to work with. For somebody like me, those are barriers, taught to me by a society and a world view that was destined to be limited so nobody reached out too far. I feel new and alive in life. I feel like an infant, just seeing dawn for the first time ever. I'm starting to realize that any limitations I have are there because I allow them to be.
This life that most know is built upon a "forward until death" momentum, where we march forward, trying to make the best of ourselves until we become too ill or old to do anything else. And, really, that's if we're trying-most of us are going through preconceived notions to fit into another paradigm because we're told it is the "right way." This life is such a rich experience. I feel, at the ripe old age of 25, that I am just beginning to see a world I can understand-just because I have grown up with the technological coping mechanisms of the world around me does not mean I know fuck all about what IT MEANS. And it means a lot. This is a rapidly growing world, growing at a highly exponential rate. Adaption is survival. Truth be told, I've always known that I won't really figure things out until I'm in my 30s, and that's the way to be. Everything else is growth and development.
I'm joining a fairly well known industrial band here as well. I'm honestly sort of so-so on it all. The band is decent, albeit a bit generic in sound. They aren't bad, in fact, they're quite good at what they do. I think my hesitation is in the fact that my desire is not to join somebody else's band, but to do my own material that is a lot more unique and not so forumlaic. However, the music isn't bad, and it will allow me to have my guitar in hand on a regular basis, which is really important. |
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| Lost phone |
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| 02:49pm 26/08/2006 |
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I got a new phone, and will have it activated by tomorrow at the latest.
If everybody could email (myspace/livejournal message, whatever) me any and all phone #'s you would like me to have, that would be awesome. However, since I am also moving, I am going to be without internet for at least a week (if i can access it at my new job) or two (if I have to wait for the cable company to come set me up). If you would like to talk to me before then, call me tomorrow afternoon, so i will have your phone number :)
928-273-0903
-Justin |
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| 03:35am 22/06/2006 |
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I don't know details, but I got this weird vision of Mike being dead, about a week ago...by hanging.
I got this image of him, standing on a crate, with a beautiful silk rope around his neck, standing on a green milk crate, telling me to be strong, and goodbye, but he would be watching for me.
And then kicking it away (the crate)...but not dying. He found instant happiness by the act of dying.
I hope...I really hope, that this is what he felt when he went. I don't know what else to think. I just hope there is validity in this vision.
*
Maybe I am nuts.
But I am shaken, because this was vivid...Mike with his multicoloured mohawk, a white silken rope...he kicked away the crate, and then started speaking to me, chain-smoking as he hang by his silk noose, providing words of encouragement.
...
and I should emphasise this, because it was weird and eerie and Scary.
I was watching him, and he kicked away the green crate, and the silk noose snapped his neck, audibly...I heard it snap, and watched his neck crack and the life rush out of his body...
and then he looked at me, and lit up a cigarette, and spoke to me fludily and with great clarity and urgency, while his snapped necked, mohawked head spoke to me, leaning cracked to his right shoulder, chainsmoking, and telling me everything I needed to know about how to succeed in my life. And I remember dismissing it in my dream, because it was bullshit, because there was no way that he was hanging there talking to me, chainsmoking and offering advice.
This dream happened on Saturday, June 17th, early in the morning. I woke up soon afterwards, shaken. But I brushed it off. And went back to sleep.
WHY? WHY DO I SEE THIS SHIT? |
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| R.I.P. |
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| 09:49pm 21/06/2006 |
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mood:  grieving music: Tear Garden
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One of my best friends in the world, Mike Narrod, from Litany (aka "Noise", "NoiseMachine"), hung himself on June 19th.
I cannot find the words. I am a wreck. Mike was closer to me than so many people. Our lives virtually parelleled each other. He was only 22, almost 23. I am such a mix of emotions right now. We had been close friends for about 5-6 years now, and in the last couple years, especially the last 8 months or so, we had been so close it is scary. I was one of the last people to speak to him.
I cannot find the words. I've been dealing with this since this afternoon.
Mike, I love you. I am so angry at you. Why? Why the fuck did you do it? No woman is worth it.
Ahhh...
My heart goes out to those of his family and friends.
If anybody knew Noise, or wants to talk...find me. I need it, and he needs to be remembered, i feel. |
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| 07:38pm 21/05/2006 |
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My phone is fucked...getting a new one Tusday or Wednesday. So...online correspondence only for a few days. |
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| Concert Calendar |
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| 01:12pm 17/05/2006 |
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mood:  determined! music: Skinny Puppy-K-9 (from Back and Forth 1!!!!!!)
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For Sure:
5-23: Mogwai, Earth
5-28: Ministry, Revolting Cocks
5-30: Ministry, Revolting Cocks (Vancouver)
5-31: Ministry, Revolting Cocks (Vancouver)
6-10: Liars
6-20: Steven Stapleton-Andrew Liles-Colin Potter, Green Milk from the Planet Orange, Orbit Service (Portland)
7-11: Legendary Pink Dots
8-18: A Silver Mt. Zion
Considered:
6-3: Pelican, Mono
6-3: Les Claypool
6-4: Frontline Assembly, Stromkern, DJ? Acucrack (bwahahaha...really torn about this one!)
6-30: Sonic Youth
I know I am missing a lot...but that's working out to be QUITE a good line-up thus far.
Phil Western may be attending the Ministry shows in Vancouver with me, which should be fun.
Good times.
Other shit is going on my life, too. Not getting into it now tho.
Things are changing with Miriam and I tho...not for good or bad. We're both just busy doing other things. I'm not going to see her until July...maybe even August. I'm ok with that. I'm working on me these days. Going to date locally. Get a new job. Go back to school. Enjoy this beautiful state. Enjoy this awesome life.
Good times, good times indeed :) |
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| Trouble in Europe (Death in June) |
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| 05:00am 14/02/2006 |
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mood: concerned music: Death in June-Luther's Army
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I posted this on Litany, and the Death in June Yahoo Group, so my apologies for those who have seen it more than once now.
I'm not sure how many of you know about this, since there's only a handful of Death in June fans on this board, but Douglas P's Death in June album "Rose Clouds of Holocaust" is under attack by the German Government at the moment, currently being banned for censorship due to that government's strict anti-Nazi laws (which are pretty just, all in all, imho). This album has been out for over 10 years, and has sold many, many copies (according to Doug's estimates, has sold 10s of thousands of copies), and is just now coming under scrutiny of the German Government.
This is unsettling for a number of reasons. Free speech is an issue important to many people, certainly when one is talking about artistic free speech. The album in question, "Rose Clouds of Holocaust," while mentioning in vague terms many things associated with Nazi Germany, has no political undertones, nor, in fact, does any Death in June material. Symbolism is used, which does pertain in some ways to the Holocaust, but it is not of any sort of political nature, and thus does not endorse Nazi sympathy, nor deny the Holocaust, etc. Holocaust, in the album, refers to a great many things, and in a broad sense, refers not to the Nazis and/or the Jews, but the Greek term of holocaust, meaning "burnt offerings." There are other things, relating to Swastikas and Nazi Germany, on the album, but they do not, in any way, pardon, excuse, condone, or give glory to the actions of the Nazis, or indeed any groups based on racial hatred (or otherwise). The same album addresses many issues, such as Christianity, religion, God, homosexuality, etc...other issues that are controversial, yet any advocate of freedom of speech, especially artistic, would stand behind, as the right of a free man.
In short, this is an artist who, while known for using controversial imagery in both lyrics, statements, and images, has broken no laws, has not tried to subvert the minds of his fans, and has not deserved the scorn for which he has recently received. As Skinny Puppy fans, I would urge you to look beyond the Totenkopfs and other imagery of Death in June, and see the real issue at the crux of this situation. If Skinny Puppy, or their performances, were banned because of the associations with drugs, vivisection, violence, I have no doubt that many of you would be up in arms. I especially would hope that our European Bretheren, especially those in Germany, would stand up to fight this after-the-fact oppression. As Douglas states in the letters I will post after this post, this could mean ill-will towards any group who uses unconventional imagery or tactics in employing their message.
Thank you for your concern.
Rodent. |
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| A message for posterity |
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| 01:34am 31/01/2006 |
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mood: discontent music: The Cure-Disintigration (Entreat version)
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Don't tell me you will call me, even if it's going to be late, unless you are actually going to call.
Maybe she is still planning to call, but it's a few minutes before 2 am AZ time, and...well, I have my doubts, needless to say. I'll stay up a bit longer, because I am enjoying listening to The Cure and drinking wine, but I'm pretty sure she's flaking, again.
She called me earlier tonight, saying she was going out, but that she really misses me, wants me in her life, etc, and since I told her I'd be up late, she said she'd call me tonight...so, follow through with it.
Maybe those of you who have told me to forget it are right. You probably are. But, I am stubborn.
It's hard, because for so many years now, just the mere thought of her makes me think...happy thoughts. I hear wedding bells, and I don't believe in that institution. Hell, I don't think I can even be in a monagamous relationship...unless it is with her. A relization I have come to as of late.
I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to keep loving this girl. I don't. But...I can't help it. My heart breaks every day I am without her, every day I cannot tell her how I feel, look her in her beautiful eyes, kiss her passionately...I have felt like this for nearly 8 years now, and I had less than a year of respite from it. In those 8 years, there has been barely a day that has gone by where she did not at least cross my mind.
I fear, at times, that maybe I have put such high expecations on her, such a longing, that nobody, not even Cassie herself, will be able to live up to them. But then I think, this is the only girl I have ever been able to be whole with, the only one whom I could share myself fully with, the only girl I could be fully honest and truthful with (not that I have lied to past girls, but...I could never be anything but honest with Cassie...the entire basis of our interaction has always been based on truth, honesty, and goodness. Even when I finally had to break up with her, I had to tell her everything, as painful as it was...I don't think I have been able to do that with anybody else).
Maybe it is true. Maybe it's because we didn't end things by our own choice. Maybe I'm just a bit sick, and obsessive, and am clinging to this girl for some reason that I should seek therapy for. Maybe all of the above, or at least some of it. I ended two long term relationships because of her (Toni and Dee...I ended up with a different girl when Toni and I ended, but I went out that weekend hoping to see Cassie, and just the thought of it told me the relationship was over, as it basically had been since I had seen Cassie the summer before).
All I know is that I have never felt so strongly about someone, and I will probably never be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone else until I make a break from her, or until we are together. I don't know why, and this whole thing makes me feel a bit silly when I realize how little we have seen or even communicated with each other in recent years.
She's become my epitome of love...how can one turn their back on that?
Well, maybe my answer is in the silence eminating from my cell phone at the moment.
I'm going to make one more post tonight, which is lyrics to a song I wrote about her, or rather my feelings about the whole situation, this summer when I was on the trail. Feedback would be appreciated. |
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| For those in the Blsck Arts |
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| 03:26am 29/01/2006 |
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mood:  determined music: Alien Sex Fiend-She's a Killer
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This doesn't extend to all of you, and if you are not versed in sex magic or sex ritual, I would honestly not appreciate a response.
That said:
Have any of you had any particular luck in love/sex rituals that you would care to share?
I am curious what you have done, the context you have performed them in, and the success you have had.
I have practiced some forms of destruction rituals in the past, to great success, but feel more apprehension towards sex/love rituals...lesser magic has been effective in the past, but I am certain that greater magic is needed here, with what I need to achieve.
Compassion ritual may be good to entertain, but is not as important with what I need to invoke. I am looking upon those of you who understand these rites, and their importance in the grand scheme.
Again, if you do not know, do NOT ask. This is a VERY personal rite, and I know that most of you do not know/do not understand. It is decidedly anti-Christian, and really, purely Satanic. Most of you cannot, will not understand, and I am ok with that. This is something that I need to do, to reach a certain goal. There are maybe less than a handful of you here who understand who I am, as a Satanic being. Indeed, most of you have no clue what Satanism is. That is fine.
Regardless, I would appreciate some guidance in this working. |
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| The only thing I really want for Christmas: |
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| 04:43am 24/11/2005 |
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mood:  exhausted music: Der Blutharsch
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A Soleilmoon Gift Certificate:
http://www.soleilmoon.com/store/asearchresults.lasso?-Token.search=Artist&-Token.from=sr&-Token.arg=SOLEILMOON%20GIFT%20CERTIFICATE
I am so glad that they offer these. I spend an insane amount of money every year at www.soleilmoon.com , I'd have to estimate at least $1,000-$1,500 a year or so. I order the majority of my music, and when I do, it comes from their site more often than not. I don't expect or request gifts, and in fact, mostly dislike how important the gift giving process is to most people. In fact, I do my best not to set foot in stores during the last month of the year unless I really need to. If anyone ever gives me a gift, I always request gift certificates first and foremost, as it is easy for the buyer, and easy on me as I can be pretty particular about my interests.
Anyhow, all I want lately are musical instruments/gear, and music...and while I don't particularly want anybody to buy me gifts for the holidays, if you ever do...Soleilmoon has many things that my heart desires.
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I worked a 17 hour day today, and am exhausted and a little fucked up. I'm getting some sleep... |
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| Current 93 |
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| 02:10pm 07/10/2005 |
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music: Echo and the Bunnymen-Never Stop (Discotheque)
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I really, REALLY need tickets to both Current 93 shows in San Francisco next month...anyone have any idea where to get some without paying through the nose? |
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| HELP! |
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| 10:41pm 17/07/2005 |
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mood:  confused music: Thrill Kill Kult-Hot Blood Risin'
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So, yesterday a co-worker suggested to me that I shave my head before I go off into the wilderness, because it's going to be hot as fuck out there, and the long hair could be a pain in the ass.
Not to mention that there is no way that I am going to not end up with dreadlocks by the end of it-my hair tends to start clumping if I don't wash it for a few days as it is, even if I don't put anything on it.
No matter what, my head will likely be covered with a bandana or a hat while I'm out there, but at the same time, even having my hair off my face, it will still get hot. I won't shave it, but I am tempted to cut it short at the very least. It's somewhere between my mouth and my shoulders now, and by the time I'm back, it's going to probably be on my shoulders if I don't chop it. I love that it's finally long, and don't want to get rid of it, but...what would you do? |
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| ATTN: Phoenix People |
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| 10:46am 16/05/2005 |
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Any chance someone can put me up for the night tomorrow? I have a ride down for the VNV Nation show, but from there my ride wants to go to Tucson...leaving me stranded.
Well, ok, not stranded, but his girlfriend lives in Tucson, so it's more convenient for him to go there from Phoenix than to go back to Flag, then down to Tucson the next morning.
I might also have to get up super early to get to the shuttle...as in, the shuttle back here leaves at 8:30 am, if I want to make it back in time to get into work when they've asked me to go in (and even that was a push, since they wanted me to work Tuesday and Wednesday as well :( )
Anyone able to help?
Leaving this one open to all... |
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| The end... |
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| 04:27pm 02/12/2004 |
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mood:  mischievous
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Ok, just wanted to make a public annoucement. This should be the last entry in my journal that is public. From this point onwards, it will be friends only.
If you are interested in being added, let me know.
That is all. |
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| Stolen from Missy's Journal |
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| 11:08pm 30/11/2004 |
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music: Drunk loud room mates
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last cigarette: a few hours ago
last kiss: last thursday
last cry: probably a few weeks. Been too happy to cry about anything lately.
last book: Might is Right by Ragnar Redbeard, aka Jack London
last movie seen in a theatre: National Treasure. Had something to do with Masons, but all I know is that I need an HP Notebook, a Caddy or an Altima, and to drink Aquafina. Obscene product placement.
last movie seen at home: I want to say Evil Dead, with Missy
last cuss word uttered: fucktard
last beverage drank: Coke
last food consumed: leftover Mongollian Tofu
last phone call: probably my mom
last tv show watched: something at Missy's place, been a few days. Television rots your brain.
last time showered: this morning
last shoes worn: boots
last cd played: Tears for Fears-Songs from the Big Chair (I'm LAME)
last item bought: Triple Chocolate Vodka, and it was wonderful
last soda drank: coke
last thing written: IMs, or an email to Ogre. You pick.
last key used: mail
last words spoken: probably fucktard. Haven't spoken to anyone in hours.
last sleep: this morning
last IM: Missy
last sexual fantasy: it involved cocaine, 12 year old Korean hookers at gunpoint, and Midgets from Bali.
No, really, I'm not going to say. Those involved may not want to know!
last ice cream eaten: Ice cream cake a few weeks ago. I don't like sweets
last time wanting to die: a little over a month ago, I guess. Fine now, thanks.
last lipstick: whatever Missy was wearing the last time she kissed me ;)
last time dancing: A few months ago, with some hot girl who looked like she must have used a fake to get into the bar. Either that, or her low cut top did the trick ;)
last show attended: skinny puppy, denver, fillmore, nov 23, 2004
Jesus, You came up more than a few times in this, didn't you? :P |
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| 10:46pm 30/11/2004 |
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mood: pleased music: My drunken room mates running around the apt.
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I feel very good.
Just spent a few hours talking with Missy.
Opened up to her quite a bit. Told her a lot of personal, private stuff.
We're both amazed at how close of friends we have become in such a short time. I'd easily consider her one of my best friends now.
Regardless of what happens with being "friends," I'd like to think I have, or am developing, a friend for life.
Of course, I still want more, but...for now, this is perfect. Can't make my lips reach from Flagstaff to Denver (they're huge, but not THAT big!), so talking and building a stronger friendship is ideal. There seems to be a genuine feeling of care and concern from both of us.
In other minor news, I've only had one cigarette today. I'm about to go have another, and that should be my last one tonight
2 cigs in one day. That's amazing for me.
Maybe it's a good time to think about quitting, especially since it's 10 degrees outside, and will probably be in the negatives when I walk my ass to work in the morning. |
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| More Pumpkins Lyrics |
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| 06:25am 30/11/2004 |
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This, for whatever reason, seems to connect with a lot of the girls I've loved over the years.
What can I say? No matter how tough I might look, I'm a hopeless romantic at heart.
Anyhow, here:
"In The Arms Of Sleep"
sleep will not come to this tired body now
peace will not come to this lonely heart
there are some things i'll live without
but i want you to know that i need you right now
i need you tonite
i steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves
cause i'll always miss her wherever she goes
and i'll always need her more than she could ever need me
i need someone to ease my mind
but sometimes a someone is so hard to find
and i'll do anything to keep her here tonite
and i'll say anything to make her feel alright
and i'll be anything to keep her here tonite
cause i want you to stay, with me
i need you tonite
she comes to me like an angel out of time
as i play the part of a saint on my knees
there are some things i'll live without
but i want you to know that i need you right now
suffer my desire
suffer my desire
suffer my desire for you
Again, something like that. As I get older and more out of my head, Billy Corgan's lyrics mean more to me.
I need sleep. |
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| You Know Who You Are |
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| 06:08am 30/11/2004 |
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mood: content
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"Farewell and Goodnight"
goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tite
may it hold you through the winter of a long night
and keep you from the loneliness of yourself
heart strung is your heart frayed and empty
cause it's hard luck, when no one understands your love
it's unsung, and i say
goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
goodnight, always, to all that's in your heart
goodnight, may your dreams be so happy and your
head lite with the wishes of a sandman and a night light
be careful not to let the bedbugs sleep tight nestled in your covers
the sun shines but i don't
a silver rain will wash away
and you can tell, it's just as well
goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
goodnight, always to all that's pure that's in your heart
Well, something like that.
Goodnight, mi... |
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